To the Past
by mrsremusjohnlupin
Summary: A glimpse into the first few entries of Anna's journal after Matt's death. 'They lowered your body into the ground today. I am not even sure a person should be able to endure the pain I did today and survive.'


_Matt,_

_It is 11:28 p.m. on the night of your death. My parents are over at your house, helping settle some funeral arrangements. I am still too shocked to do much. I only grabbed my journal after staring at my wall for the past half hour. _

_Matt,_

_Not even a day has __passed__ gone by, and I miss you so much. It hurts to even think about you, as if my heart is on fire and is trying to consume the rest of my body. I miss you so so so _so_ much._

_Matt,_

_I loved you. I really did. I still do. Your funeral is tomorrow and I don't know what I am supposed to do. I have not told anyone about us, because I promised you I wouldn't. I would _not_ have made that promise if I thought it would mean forever._

_Matt, _

_They lowered your body into the ground today. I am not even sure a person should be able to endure the pain I did today and survive. I was up front with your parents and Frankie. She kept rubbing the red sea glass bracelet you made her. But I had nothing to hold on to._

_Matt,_

_I wonder what happened to your necklace. You used to wear it every day, and I had never seen you without it since you made it. But, it was not on you when they buried you. It must be somewhere among the wreckage, another thing to be picked up and taken to the junkyard with the rest of your car. _

_Matt,_

_It is all my fault. If I had not wanted to go out for ice cream, you would be with us now. We would sneak out and be sitting in your backyard staring at the stars and talking about _everythin_g and _nothing_, all at once._

_Matt,_

_The looks I keep getting are beginning to get to me. 'I'm sorry' they will say when I tell them that you were my best friend. I wonder what they would say if I told them I was in love with you, and that we were _more_ than best friends._

_Matt,_

_If I were to break my arms, legs, fingers, toes, and nose, I would be feel better than this._

_Matt,_

_I miss you. So much._

_Matt,_

_Everything reminds me of you. Just the little things take me to the past. Seeing a book, hearing music you had me listen to on the radio, and even writing these words on this page. You made me fall in love with words, Matt, because you loved them. _

_Matt,_

_I am worried about Frankie. The few months you and I had together without telling her was almost like torture, but now I know that I can't tell her. Ever. I promised you that I wouldn't, so I can't. It is nothing she needs to hear now anyways. She is breaking and morphing into someone else. _

_Matt,_

_I'm scared. I'm scared that I will _never_ be happy again. Never see Frankie become herself again. Never enjoy anything without thinking of you. I'm scared that you will somehow be erased from my memory and no longer be a part of me. I am afraid that I will forget the way you kissed me, how _alive_ it made me feel. I wanted it since I was ten, and it was everything I could have wished for. Maybe we would not have worked out, but now I'll never know. I do know that I love you, and I miss you, and I may just die of a broken heart, like you did._

_Matt,_

_I cannot stop crying. It is like a constant flow of tears running down my cheeks, burning. I miss you. I just miss you so much. I want to close my eyes and believe that you will be here when I open my eyes, laughing and saying it was all a joke. You being gone is just unreal. I still don't believe it, Matt. I love you. I never did tell you while you were alive, but it is true. I loved you since forever, I've been _in_ love with you since I was ten, and I still am. Wherever you are I hope that you are happy._

_Love,_

_Anna_

* * *

_Author's note;_

I am not sure how many of my subscribers will have read this book...

But anyone who reads this fic **should **read the book, if you haven't already.

This is what I think Anna's first few entries, into her Journal after Matt's _death,_ would be.

I Beta'd this one on my own so if you see **any** mistakes; that is my fault.

Peace, love, and hugs. ^^ Please review if you read!


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